Chapter 11 continued

I had a busy afternoon. First, I booked my flight, then I explained to Karen and Rob that I was going to Israel to research my next book. Next, I got my suitcase and passport from the hotel. Last, I had to tell Preacher John and Maria about my breakthrough at the seminar.
    By the time I returned to Washington Square, it was late afternoon and Preacher John was leaving the park. “John, wait up.”
    He saw my suitcase. “Where are you going?”
    “Israel. I made a breakthrough at Indira’s seminar. Suddenly, everything began to click into place—balance, the hexagram…”
    “Hexagram?”
    “It represents God’s world and Adam’s world. When I had my call experience in Saint Matthew’s, the priest quoted Jesus as saying, ‘The person who does not gather with me, scatters…’”
    “Slow down, Paul. What do you mean, ‘scatters?’”
    “Like in Yeats’ poem—‘things fall apart, the center cannot hold.’ Examples are the tower of Babel in Genesis 11:9, and the second law of thermodynamics.”
    “What’s that got to do with going to Israel?”
    “I still need to find a rational explanation for how Jesus can call someone to follow him when he’s dead.”
    “It’s a mystery. Only Jesus knows that, Paul.”
    “That’s why I have to go to Israel. I need to reenter God’s world as I did in Saint Matthew’s so I can find out what Jesus knows.”
    “You can’t recreate the call experience. It lasts a few moments, and there are no second chances.”
    “For those few moments I was in a paradigm where all events are simultaneous. I know I can reenter timelessness if I go to Israel.”
    “What if you learn something you shouldn’t know?”
    “John, I have to see Maria and catch my flight…”
“In 10:22, Isaiah, says, ‘Though your people, Israel, be as the sand of the Sea, yet only a remnant shall return.’ And Jesus himself said only a few enter into life though the narrow gate.”
    “The priest in Saint Matthew’s said all that.”
    “You’re treading on dangerous ground, Paul. What if you learn that only a few can enter the Kingdom of God?”
    “I can’t stop this close to the finish line.”
    “No matter what the consequences?”
    “Wish me luck.”

I had to hurry if I was going to see Maria before I left for the airport. As I went in the business building, I ran into Ben coming out.
    “Hey, where are you going, pal?”
    “Uh, I was talking to Preacher John. I was going to use the men’s room.”
    “You need a suitcase to go to the toilet?”
    “I’m going to Israel.”
    “Israel? Don’t tell me you’ve started chasing the wild goose again.”
    “I believe I experienced post-reality in Saint Matthew’s. If I can recreate the experience, I think I can privilege balance.”
    “There is no center, and we can’t privilege anything. You’re a slow learner, pal.”
    “I don’t have time to go into it now.”
    “You should take time. This obsession of yours is beginning to border on the pathological, Paul.”
    I looked at my watch. “I have to go.”
    “Call me when you get back,” Ben said as he left the building.
    Maria’s class was about to start. I bounded up the stairway. She was in the hallway about to enter her classroom. She got a puzzled look when she saw the suitcase.
    “I’m going to Israel.”
    “Now? Why?”
    “I made a breakthrough at the seminar. I’m close to a Final Story. I can feel it.”
    “You didn’t answer my question, Paul.”
    “I need to experience Jesus again like I did in Saint Matthew’s. I think I have the best chance in the time remaining if I go to the same physical space he occupied.”
    “Let’s talk when my class is over.”
    “My flight is tonight and security can take three hours or more. I have to leave for the airport now, Maria.”
    “You don’t have to find the Final Story by Tuesday.”
    “Are you extending the deadline?”
    “I gave you that deadline to test you. I didn’t believe you really cared about me. Watching you struggle to please me has changed everything. Especially when I knew you no longer believed you could privilege a rational explanation.”
    “I promised you I would finish this.”
    “Paul, you’re not listening. I love you. It isn’t necessary to prove yourself to me.”
    “Don’t you want me to fulfill my lifelong dream?”
    “You’ve scared me with this talk about meeting Jesus. I’ve pushed you too hard.”
    “I can’t quit now.”
    “I’m losing you.”
    “No! I love you.”
    “If you love me, don’t go.”
    “We’ll talk when I get back.”
    Maria turned away from me without saying good-bye. When she closed the door to her classroom, and left me standing alone in an empty hallway, it hit me. In spite of what she said, I didn’t believe Maria could ever accept me if I didn’t go to Israel. She understood I wouldn’t be any good to anyone if I quit now. At the same time, I knew that my going defied her plea to me not to go, and that would change our relationship forever.
    I walked to the wall opposite Maria’s classroom and leaned against it and slowly slid down until I was sitting on the floor. There was a waste can about five feet from me also against the wall. I took the plane ticket from my pocket, wadded it into a ball, and pitched it dead center into the can.
    Then I waited for Maria’s class to end.
    I waited about five minutes, got up, retrieved the ticket, unwadded it, and put it in my pocket. Except for that moment after I was called in Saint Matthew’s, I never felt more lost than I did as I left for the airport that afternoon.

Chapter 12