Chapter 8 continued

    “Not as individuals. We count only as part of the whole.”
    Jennifer said, “Hell for me would be the certain knowledge that I was not free to determine my own life. I can’t imagine anything worst.”
    John said, “How we view the world—as one or as many—does not change events. It is hubris, that is, Adam’s sin of pride, to think that we can change anything.”
    Michael said, “I do not accept that.” Everyone agreed with Michael.
    Rob looked at me. “Isn’t Preacher John’s idea also your idea, Dad—all things at once through balance?”
    “Yes, Rob, but something happened last week to change my mind.”
    Michael said, “Glad to hear you’re not going to pursue balance, Paul. If we don’t have free will, what’s the point?”
    Ben said, “No, I think Paul should pursue balance, but without deluding himself that any story is final.”
    Jennifer said, “Why have you given up, Paul?”
    “I thought I could tell a story that was completely rational. Then something irrational happened. Now, I’m back to square one.”
    Indira said, “I think balance is a brilliant insight, Paul. I don’t know of a better explanation of how the world could be one. What happened to dissuade you?”
    “I can’t talk about it without sounding crazy.”
    But John wasn’t as reluctant to speak. I was counting on that when I invited him, of course. “Jesus appearing to Saint Paul on the road to Damascus is an example of something beyond rational explanation.”
    Ben said, “Who knows what happened to Saint Paul. His accounts are contradictory and ambiguous.”
    The hint of a smile crossed John’s lips as he ignored Ben. “Jesus calls every person to follow him as he did Saint Paul.”
    Ben said, “No one has called me.”
    John continued, “The person called must accept the invitation instantly. Whoever hesitates is lost. There is no second chance.”
    Michael said, “Baloney. No single act decides a person’s spiritual fate. It is the sum of all a person’s deeds that counts.”
    Jennifer said, “That’s known in theology as the fundamental option.”
    I could tell Michael was impressed. “How did you know that?”
    “I’m a graduate theology student.”
    I said, “My experience was irrational. I can’t fit it into my idea of balance.”
    Elaine was suspicious. “Did you have a call experience like John describes?”
    When Ben saw that I wasn’t going to take the bait, he said, “I’ve already said that Jesus has never called me. Let’s have a show of hands.
    Anyone in the room who has been called by Jesus, put your hand up.”
    Only Preacher John raised his hand.
    Ben said, “Maybe Preacher John is putting us on.”
    John said, “I witness to the truth within.”
    Michael said, “That sounds like Gnosticism to me.”
    Rob said, “What’s Gnos…Gnos…”
    Jennifer answered, “Gnosticism is direct personal knowledge of God.”
    Michael said, “Rob, the church condemned Gnosticism as heresy.”
    John said, “The knowledge that I speak of is not secret. Everyone is taught it from within. All judgment is self-judgment based on what we learn from within. Last Judgment is public revelation of this private knowledge.”
    Ben tried again to flush me out. “Paul, are you sure you haven’t been called like Preacher John?”
    “Everyone here denied they were called except John. Why single me out?”
    “Because you said something irrational happened to you, and what could be more irrational than having a dead man appear and invite you to follow him?”
    I said, “Is that the only irrational thing?”
    Ben wouldn’t let it go. “Stop playing games, pal. Tell us what happened to make you give up your dream?”
    Rob said, “What happened, Dad?”
    Michael said, “I’ve never known you to keep anything to yourself.”
    Then Maria and Elaine joined the chorus, “Yes, Paul, tell us what happened.”
    I paused. Everyone waited on my response. What to do? If I tell, I might sound certifiable. On the other hand, by telling, I would remove the last obstacle keeping Maria and me apart.
    I took a deep breath. “Last week, when I couldn’t get anybody to publish my new book, I stopped in Saint Matthew’s to collect my thoughts. Suddenly, I thought I heard John call me from the vestibule. I turned my head, but saw no one. I understood Jesus, not John, was calling me to follow him. I heard the call again. I wanted to go, but hesitated. I strained to hear the voice once more, but there was only silence.”
    No one spoke. No one moved.
    Finally, Rob said, “Preacher John, are you Jesus?”
    “No, Rob. In Matthew 23:39, Jesus says, ‘You will not see me again until you say, “Blessed is the person who comes in the name of the Lord.”’
    For your dad, I was the person who comes in the name of the Lord.”
    “You mean, kind of a stand-in?”
    “Yes.”
    Michael said, “That’s absurd.”
    Ben said, “Well, I think there’s a perfectly rational explanation. It was indigestion.”
    I said, “Don’t you mean delusion, Ben?”
    Ben shrugged, “Sorry, pal, I’ll grant you nothing more dramatic than heartburn.”
    Elaine said, “Maybe it was a momentary delusion, Paul. Nothing to be concerned about though. Unless, of course, you insist the experience was real.”
    Ben’s phone rang. “Elaine, it’s for you.”
    She looked at me. “It has to be about mother.”
    While Elaine was on the phone, Maria offered to freshen everyone’s drink. I followed her into the kitchen. “Maria, you said we could see each other if I told you what happened to make me quit writing.”
    “What I said was, you have to be able to tell me anything.”
    “I wish I could find the words to tell you how much you mean to me.”
    “Paul, what I found attractive about you were the risks you took with your unconventional ideas. Now, you say you don’t want to take those risks anymore.”
    “What happened in Saint Matthew’s put an end to my dream.”
    “How can you ask me to believe in you when you have given up on yourself?”
    “You’ve never had an experience like that?”
    “Ben told the National Press Corps that you were the one whose creative imagination is capable of generating the next great story. He believes that and so do I.”
    “My dream was to tell the Final Story.”
    “I believe you can.”
    “But it has to be rational and what happened was irrational.”
    “Then make it rational.”
    “I wouldn’t know where to start.”
    “Start by believing in yourself.”
    “I’ve always thought I could tell the Final Story…”
    “Now’s the time to prove it. Ben may be less talented than you, but he has lived up to his potential. Whatever you decide, don’t be long about it.”
    Was she giving me a deadline? I never got to ask because at that moment Elaine came into the kitchen, “Paul, I have to leave.”

Chapter 8 continued